In the end.

Where I left off in my last post is where I am now. Over a year later. I am 19 years old, and I have yet to find happiness. The love of my life is with another. I have done a lot of stupid things to make my life much more complicated. I'm stuck here suffering. I don't even have my own room. I have to sleep on the couch in my living room. I think I have lost Katie completely now. She was my closest friend, and the only one who understood me. She knew me better than I know myself. Now she is gone. As long as she is happy I won't suffer completely. 2:47am is the time. Chase Coy is playing from my laptop. I just read through every one of my old blogs. I've changed yet I'm in the same place. I'm in love, yet I'm searching for it. "Be patient while time heals the pain that you're in" that is what the chorus of this chase coy song says. I've been patient for 4 years. I'm still broken. I need to sleep.. I love you, please don't ever forget. I will always be here.

When all else fails

Kill yourself, because thats what I plan to do if I can't be happy.

Nostalgia 2.0

If you get to the point where you are over certain feelings consciously, and then you end up seeing or reading something that brings everything back, its not the best thing. Especially when the feeling you had was a huge part of your life. I read this thing and it made things better in a way because of what it said, but it also made things like 100 times worse because it brought back the memories and knowing that i was told it was different now. and what i don't understand is how can something like that be felt and then it no longer is felt. When you feel something is right, and you've had that feeling more than once even after hardships it most likely is the real thing. If things seem to be going well then get crappy try and fix it, don't just express that it sucks and leave it at that. Things don't fix just by knowing that it is broken. You need to act on it and make it so that the problem is fixed or at least it is being attempted to be fixed. For some reason nothing is making sense to me right now. Everything is just so screwed up. It was fine yesterday, but now I'm just a mess. I truly hope that one day all my mind will find solace and I will be happy, but for now I am not happy. If you can help me find happiness please contact me.

In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti

Finding happiness is one of the hardest things to do after living a life like mine. but the hardest part is finding true happiness, most of the time you are fooled into fake happiness for reasons like you are lonely and you just want to be loved or you just want something anything to bring you solace. but if you seek with your heart you will find what you are looking for, it may not always come right away but it will eventually, sometimes its not what you thought, but it will make you the happiest you could ever be. keep searching and you will find love and happiness. It's the best thing that could happen to you. I may have not found what I am searching for yet, but i have faith that it will come and I will savor every moment of it. this isn't the longest blog but it has one of the best messages I have written to date.

Change?

Things don't change. People change, and most of the time it's for the better, but there are a few times when people should just stay the same. even though she said, it's funny how things change, nothing changed, except for her state of mind. I still hold true to every thing i have said. I will never cease. When you believe in something and it feels right, never let go. You will know when something feels right, because it makes you do something differently. Even if it take months or years, as long as you stick to it, it should work out in the end. If it doesn't then it was never meant to be, but don't let yourself succumb to these false feelings, discern through them, seek the truth. The darkness will cover your eyes but you will find your way. Faith is what we have, and love is what we can give. Keep your mind clear and do what makes you happy. Even if it doesn't make you happy the whole time, it will give you a better idea as to what will keep you happy, my love for you won't stop, and i will always believe that one day we will be together again. It feels right. It just wasn't our time. But it will come, and i will show you what true happiness is. I will give you what you deserve, I will treat you like the princess you are. and when you cry, I will comfort you and let you know that this is only a bump in your life and you still have the rest of it to look forward to. Don't let anything get you down, the world can be harsh but you will overcome all your obstacles, and find out what you were meant to be. With a person like you, the options are limitless. You are perfect in my eyes, I will let you be if it is needed, but I feel as though that isn't what is meant to come. All those stupid fights we had, and pointless arguments, those are behind us. The future only holds happiness and love. Don't let that fall away from you. You will always be loved. Love me.

Never stop loving

Love is a curious thing. Sometimes it fools you and sometimes it doesn't let you know that it is there. but i know now when i love. and i love right now. i know the one i will be with. i know my soul mate. and in time we will be together. Katie Marie Frost is the one i will marry someday. even though we are not together as of right now, i know we will come back together. we were together for just 13 months. and i screwed things over because i didn't know how well i had things. but i realized what i had lost, and i had another chance to fix it but i screwed it over because i wasn't letting myself be for her. now she is with Jamie Gerard. but one day we will be together again. and when that day comes i will show her the true meaning of love. i will make her the happiest she has ever been. i will show her things she has never seen before. I will love her always. even tho i hurt her and she hurt me, we will overcome it all and i will give her what she has always needed. i will teach her to trust, as she will i. there is so much more to life than worldly things and money and fame. When the time comes i will take advantage of the opportunity that i will be given. I won't hurt her again. You can't progress in anything without trial and error. no one can succeed at everything they do. she will realize that and we will be together for the rest of our lives. I will never stop loving you Katie.. if you ever read this you will know how i feel. All those things you said to me, even tho things change, I know that they are reality. We will suffice. I haven't written anything on here in over a year. and all the other entries should be cast aside, they are the old me. the new me is now. and this is the me that will be till i die. Love is the only way to happiness and when you find love you will find your oasis in this world of pain and suffering. there is no other way. Fear God and Love all. *click*

New

Sooooo... Its been a long time since i wrote last. Things have been going a lot better for me. I've been getting a long pretty well with my mom! and i haven't been getting in too much trouble. the few screw ups here and there, but yeah. almost 3 months its been since i started dating Katie again! Things have been going amazing!!!!! We have been hanging out a lot and I'm not lying to her so that makes things sooo much better than last time we dated! I feel like she might actually be the one for me! We get along great and i am very comfortable with her, as her with me. I really hope this lasts! My birthday is next week. November 19th to be exact! I will be 17! i dont want anything really. I kinda want a PA system but thats $200 that no one has. and no one wants to spend on me! so i don't need it! But yeah I'm just kinda wanted to update and write what has been going on lately. So I'm outty *click*